Heartbroken 2

It's been more than a week. There's so many things I want to say, so many things I want to ask.

But I didn't say anything,
because I'm afraid,
I'm afraid of your answer.
I'm afraid to be more broken from your words.

Please give me strength,
I just want the time to past and everything will be back to normal.

I'm not strong.

Heartbroken

I’m gonna tell you a story about a girl. A girl who fucked up, who messed up a wonderful relationship with a wonderful guy.

We fought. A huge fight that we never had before. We end up cursing to each other and decided to break it off.

A little moment after that, I regret of the things I said. I can’t do this. I cannot leave this guy. He plays a significant role in my life and I can’t lose him.

In just a day of thinking, blankly thinking. I bought a flight to Amsterdam. I want to face him. I want a closure. Maybe, after that. I’ll move on. Obviously he was mad at me for making this rash decision. When he specifically told me many times not to come there cos he doesn’t want to be anywhere near me. My thought is, if he really doesn’t want to meet me when I am there, that’s the answer I get. I will accept my fate to move on. Maybe, it’ll be easier for me to go through the moving on phase.

He blocked me that night, after he furiously mad at me. I was loss, I was devastated. I thought, it’s time, for me to move on. I called my sister and told her everything, she said it’s okay. We should just continue for the trip. A trip to clear my mind. We don’t have to meet him or be near him. We can go to other part of the Europe. We should just think of happy thought.

But that’s not the end, he unblocked me and said that he agreed to meet me. Gonna take leave and have a trip with me. He even mentioned that he’s open to a romantic partner, and I can apply for it. What does this means? Is he giving me a second chance?

I was happy, I thought I had a chance. But it’s not always fun, he acted coldly to me. We’re having a one way communication and it’s killing me. Killing me inside. I do not know what he wants. For me to move on, or for me to still fight for us.

He even blamed me for making him taking leave as it’s ruining his summer plan. When I told him, I do not want him to take the whole week off, just a day. He said it’s okay, he needs it too.

But he continued “What's with all the lovey dovey thingy? It's all bland you know. Taste like raw tofu.“

I’m shocked, I cried on the spot, what is going on? What did I do wrong? What is he doing to me?

I’m confused, my heart, my brain, everything is in confusion. I couldn’t find the answer.

Let’s just pray that everything is going to be okay when we meet

Disgust

I'm extra stressed today. Hence, the need to write
I have been struggled to save up money so that I can get a car. I prefer to have high down payment so that the monthly commitment is still bearable. With that, I've been struggling to save up a third of my monthly salary.
Honestly, I want to buy a new car but the dude is planning to ask me to move with him. Which I do not know when. This uncertainty bugs my mind too. Like hello, please la make up your mind so that I won't stuck with crappy car for longer term just because of this.
And now, I am not having a good term with the dude. I've thinking of not following him too and such (Is it because of this pile up stress too?). He did not make any effort to cool me down too. I've felt neglected for a week already.
I've also received news from this crappy housemate who stole my friend that she is not going to move out from the house. Like what the hell, even her presence and the thought of her disgust me. She should shove herself in a hell hole. Now I have to bear with her still (for a freaking one more year).
I'm so bitter with everyone, with unfortunate events been revolving around me. I wish all these negativity goes away.

Please don't take her

9/17/2019

I have the most selfish mom in the world. She left us for a guy, and now she wants to take our sister from us. 

She created bullshit story to make her looks good. Gosh, what did I do to deserve such a mom. 

Strength

I need strength to keep going on with my life.

I just want...

I just want to feel belong. 

I want to heal, I want to feel, 

What I thought was never real 

I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain 'til it's gone) 

I want to heal, I want to feel…

Linkin Park 

Graduation!

5/15/2017

The highlight of my day, it's finally my graduation! It wasn't easy to finish your college in 3 years. Tears and sweat was paid off. 

When I first came to United States, 

I was a very timid girl. I did not have any friend or anyone to rely on. My family, friends, and everyone who supported me is back home. 

I was shy, I did not know how to approach people or talk to them. 

I was scared, to explore and get out of my comfort zone. 

I was weak, to survive the engineering world by my own. 

But I take this weaknesses as my chances to grow up, to be a better person. These three years taught me a lot. How to be brave, how to be adventurous, how to deal with myself. I started joining student councils, I started to be a leader, I started to be a teacher, and I started to be a human. I never taught that I would do all these things 5 years ago, but look at me. I made it!

Wearing this graduation gown make me realize that my journey has just begun. I need to grab as many chances I can, to be a better person that I was.