Heartbroken

I’m gonna tell you a story about a girl. A girl who fucked up, who messed up a wonderful relationship with a wonderful guy.

We fought. A huge fight that we never had before. We end up cursing to each other and decided to break it off.

A little moment after that, I regret of the things I said. I can’t do this. I cannot leave this guy. He plays a significant role in my life and I can’t lose him.

In just a day of thinking, blankly thinking. I bought a flight to Amsterdam. I want to face him. I want a closure. Maybe, after that. I’ll move on. Obviously he was mad at me for making this rash decision. When he specifically told me many times not to come there cos he doesn’t want to be anywhere near me. My thought is, if he really doesn’t want to meet me when I am there, that’s the answer I get. I will accept my fate to move on. Maybe, it’ll be easier for me to go through the moving on phase.

He blocked me that night, after he furiously mad at me. I was loss, I was devastated. I thought, it’s time, for me to move on. I called my sister and told her everything, she said it’s okay. We should just continue for the trip. A trip to clear my mind. We don’t have to meet him or be near him. We can go to other part of the Europe. We should just think of happy thought.

But that’s not the end, he unblocked me and said that he agreed to meet me. Gonna take leave and have a trip with me. He even mentioned that he’s open to a romantic partner, and I can apply for it. What does this means? Is he giving me a second chance?

I was happy, I thought I had a chance. But it’s not always fun, he acted coldly to me. We’re having a one way communication and it’s killing me. Killing me inside. I do not know what he wants. For me to move on, or for me to still fight for us.

He even blamed me for making him taking leave as it’s ruining his summer plan. When I told him, I do not want him to take the whole week off, just a day. He said it’s okay, he needs it too.

But he continued “What's with all the lovey dovey thingy? It's all bland you know. Taste like raw tofu.“

I’m shocked, I cried on the spot, what is going on? What did I do wrong? What is he doing to me?

I’m confused, my heart, my brain, everything is in confusion. I couldn’t find the answer.

Let’s just pray that everything is going to be okay when we meet